Saturday, February 7, 2009
Change My Meds? Ghosts, Be Gone!
When I was a little girl, my Dad used to call me "Mot Nani." It literally means "ugly child." This of course hurt my feelings terribly. However, he later explained to me that it was a term of endearment because you are attempting to make the "ghosts" lose interest in you by calling you ugly. Parents who called their daughters "pretty" were basically asking the ghosts to cause trouble or take their daughter away.
I say this because if you read my last post, you'd know that I had a most wonderful day but I think I attracted those "ghosts" to come and play tricks on me.
First, I had the worst sleep I had in weeks! I had a weird dream that my husband was driving me to reunite with my ex-boyfriend and then when we got there, I changed my mind and decided to stay with my husband and my ex-boyfriend threw a tantrum. Weird dream - I know but what was interesting was that I realized that I was partially awake after that and unable to fall completely back asleep.
I think since I hadn't taken Klonopin that day, I wasn't able to sleep through the night. I didn't realize how much I depended on it even when I was asleep. Honestly, I didn't think it did much for me during the day anymore. Wine calms me down a lot faster.
The rest of my day was hard since my eyes continued to burn with fatigue. The day got worse after Spencer woke from his nap and basically cried throughout his entire ABA session. No one could figure out why. Then Logan came home and I was really exhausted by then and had to lay down. When I lay down, Spencer pretty much attacks me, grabs my breasts, squeezes them and my stomach (all that flab) and really can't stop himself despite redirection. But I had to let him attack me because I just couldn't sit upright anymore.
Those "ghosts" continued to screw around with us. After being really difficult today, Logan ate all his vitamins and then some dinner and then threw it all up just about a foot away from the toilet. Spencer did his part too by pretty much refusing to eat anything for dinner.
Anyway, ghosts or no ghosts, I realized that I have to rethink my medications. I need to figure out if my anti-depressants are working. I have to face the fact that Klonopin is not working as well as it used to. I know this because I have started to yell at Logan again this week. Also, I can't believe how hard it was to sleep without Klonopin. In addition, my psoriasis has gotten worse and sometimes, I feel like my acupuncturist has to spend much of her time getting rid of all the side effects of the medications in my body.
I also have a confession. I think it's drug-related so I'll get over my shame and just tell you. I found Spencer in my bed in the middle of the night twice and had no idea how he got there. Usually, if Spencer wakes in the middle of the night, we just put him back on his back and walk away. He never sleeps in bed with me but I must have put him there and the scary part is that I have no recollection of doing so.
I still need the drugs. I'm pretty sure of it but I think I need new meds. I wish I could go to a psychiatrist instead of an internist to prescribe my medication but I still have to wait to recover from the kids' medical and lawyer bills since my health insurance has a very poor mental health plan. Wish me luck. I'll be needing it.
(Pictured: This is my family after living in this country for just a couple of years. What do you think? I know you can't see my face that well but was I ugly enough for the ghosts to leave me alone?)