Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I Miss Working




















When I tell people about this blog. They say, "Good for you. It must be so therapeutic."

They talk about it as if I'm writing a journal and writing a journal is therapeutic but in a journal, I don't leave spaces for comments, add and crop pictures, and don't check my grammar and style. With a journal, I certainly wouldn't be looking at my site meter to see that the visitors of the blog come from all different countries and that the topics of marriage, feeding, and recipes seem to be the most interesting to them. Most importantly, in a journal, I don't get feedback and emails - if anything, that is therapeutic because it makes me feel connected to people.

This blog is hard work and I absolutely love it. This is why I stay up when I'm not supposed to because less sleep exacerbates my anxiety. But I can't help it. I need to work.

When I was working, I loved it. I didn't work too late because I had Logan at home and those of you who work-out-the-home probably understand this. If you are away from your child, you make every second count. After I had Logan, I minimized the chatting, I concentrated on my moving up the ladder and making more money, went on job interviews (without my employer knowing), and I really hunkered down and got very aggressive at my job. I even got promoted!

I got a lot less shy about my accomplishments too. I posted up every successful story I pitched and put it up on my wall. A lot of PR people do that. I didn't care if people thought I was showing off. In the career-advancement books, they would call it "self-promotion."

By the time Spencer was born, the first person I called was my office to tell them to please put the "I am on maternity leave" message on my Outlook Automatic Email Reply. And of course, I had everything laid open and self-explanatory on my desk so people could take over right away.

I really miss working. I think that is why I drive myself crazy with my kids. I take on their care and education like it's my PR job. I have my to-do lists, contacts to call, follow-up calls, scheduling, brain-picking, networking, and researching.... lots of researching. I think the one big difference between "work" and this type of "work/parenting" is how personal it is. I think that is why I ended up in the ER. If I was worried about a project at work, I wouldn't have had a panic attack, I would just be really stressed out but forget about it by the time I came home.

I hope I go back to work someday but it won't be until I get these boys in a school and in an afterschool setting that is really going to work for them. But Spencer is only two so it'll be a while before I go back. Maybe I could find something part-time, who knows.... Wish us luck.

(pictured: Here I am on the day I gave birth to Spencer. After the epidural, I was able to think about the work that I had on my desk and couldn't wait until the morning so that I could my call coworkers to let them know that I wouldn't be coming in. Like many moms, I started my maternity leave on the day I gave birth so that I could use every day of my mat. leave to be with my kids.)

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