Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Married with Special Needs Children- The Winners!

Here were three contributions that really touched my heart.

To the first "Anonymous" (who did send me an email so that I know where to send the book). I am so glad that your husband came back this week and that I hope the week away from you did you all some good. I can't imagine spending one day without my husband but I am not sure if that is necessarily a good thing either. You sound like you have some tools you can use to improve your marriage but you also sounded like you could really use this book. I truly wish you and your family the best.

Here is what "Anonymous" said:
My husband left about a week ago and just came back yesterday. All I can say is that intimacy has to be maintained. If you lose that, you lose communication and become strangers, roommates. We both have a lot of work to do to accomplish this. Also, you need time apart with friends, to get the lead out so that you don't take your anxiety and frustrations out on each other, and to find things to talk about about other than your child. I have been guilty of that because I have been home handling all her stuff, like a lot of moms. Also, look at your wedding album and write a list of why you married your spouse in the first place. Sometimes we forget!!!
To Barb: How wise you are. I really loved what you had to say. So did Manuela227! You are so right, we all need to be happy with ourselves first. I will also try very very very hard to listen to your advice about "listening more than directing." So often we are "directing" our husbands because the purposely or unintentionally avoid getting involved in the plans that we orchestrate for our children. Here is what Barb said:
After having been married for 20 years, I found out that marriage is constantly in a state of evolving. I think the first ten years were about learning how to be married. That meant, for me, that I am still ME and don't have to "morph" into this totally different person. Neither does my husband. However, the secret to being able to remain ourselves and yet married is to compromise! Listen more than directing. Realize that the only person we can control AND change as needed is ourselves. So when things are not going so swell, that is the time that I look @ myself and figure out how **I** can become happier with MYSELF.

That leads me to the 2nd important thing. Realize that your happiness has to come from yourself..... not your spouse. We have to be happy with who we are.
Here is the last great piece of advice from someone "Anonymous" who stayed anonymous. I only had two copies to give away anyway but might get a third one. Either way, thank you Anonymous for sharing your wonderful thoughts. It seems like you easily recognize others' differences and probably have great leadership skills: (I abridged this one a bit to highlight the most important parts)
I think that the most important lesson that I learned is that my husband and I think differently. I have a tendency to lay all the cards on the table, accept the situation and try to move forward with a decision. My husband, on the other hand, can not make a decision as decisively as I can. He needs a few days to think about, mull it over and slowly come to a decision. Initially, this was driving me crazy until I realized that he was not trying to upset me deliberately but rather this is the approach he needs to take. Once I had that revelation, communicating with him became easier. I guess I needed to put as much effort to understanding my husband as much as I was putting into understanding my son's issues.
Thank you all who contributed your words of wisdom. If you would like to place more advice, please place it in the original post because the link to that post would be very accessible on the right side of the home page.

Congratulations to the winners and thank you Dr. Marshak for sending and writing these books!

(photo courtesy of Woodbine House)

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