Sunday, April 12, 2009

White Lies To Your Spouse: OK or Not OK?















My answer last week. Okay.

My answer this week. Not okay. Forever, I hope.

I think I'm really making some impact with Kai. It's definitely not all coming from me but I do see some changes. It's weird that I'm seeing changes in my marriage. I am usually just looking for changes with the kids. As I try new DAN! treatments, take away something else suspicious in their diets, or if one of them has a new therapist, I look and hope for improvements. Unfortunately, I don't have a keen eye so I've decided to write it all down. I hope it helps me see the changes or figure out concretely that there are none.

With Kai, the changes seem more obvious because I guess they are more dramatic. Perhaps we were in such a deep ditch that any improvement sticks out but as you might have read in a recent post, things are changing for the better.

In a much earlier post, I told you that I lost a library book. I was never able to find it and resolved to just pay for it and tell Kai because while it's certainly okay to lose stuff occasionally, I have a bad habit of not being able to find things right away or forgetting something and that is a major pet peeve of his. So I didn't even ask him if he had seen the book anywhere and I just went to the library and paid for the book. No need to make him upset, right?

I was disturbed to see that the book was not erased from my account when I checked online yesterday so I had to make a phone call to the library and of course, Kai overheard. I wanted to call immediately and so I had to make the call in front of him. That same day, Kai told me that he thinks he saw that book behind the couch. I thought I looked there but I guess I didn't because there it was! Hiding in that spot for two months! Now I have to go back to the library and get my money back! If only I had talked to Kai before, I would have just had to pay a late fee which I'm usually happy to do because I love to give money to the library. I think it is one of the key things that makes human society civilized and productive.

Kai also decided to let go of a semi-white lie as well. Like mine, it was a lie of omission. The same day of the library book finding, I told Kai that Logan's breath smelled bad and he said that he's always like that and that my breath was bad too. I didn't even bother asking him why he never said anything (what woman wants to have bad breath) and thought it was probably just gingivitis. So, about one minute after he said that, I picked up my phone and made appointments for both me and Logan for the dentist.

I think my immediate action after his comment struck a chord in Kai. We just seemed to connect better that day. It was so good that I easily (meaning: without sorrow or guilt) asked him to take care of both kids while I cleared some clutter. In the past, he probably would have moaned and groaned but this time, he did it without complaint. Actually, I did hear a little groan after an hour or so to which I just said and not yelled, "Look, I'm sick of losing things. It's a weakness of mine but it's been so busy these days that I'm having a real hard time. I need time to organize and you have to help."

Watching both kids is hard for him but watching both kids AND doing things for them like feeding and bathing is even harder. It is always good for him to get an occasional semi-sample of my life. For me, I didn't even care that he was learning how to deal with the kids because I felt liberated for having this chance to clean my house undisturbed, find things that I needed, and clear some of the clutter. I even found our suitcases for our trip to Mexico. It wasn't really lost but I just had no idea where they were.

Kai even put the boys to bed. I couldn't believe it. I ended my day of major-productive organizing with a quiet dinner with just me and Kai. The good vibes carried over to the next day as well as we stayed home again which we pretty much never do. If you have ADHD kids, you know what I mean. Staying home is usually not relaxing because there aren't enough distractions. Shouting occurs, followed by crying, and the next thing you know, you are out for a walk to buy things you don't need.

As I found out this weekend, sometimes, it's really good to stay home on a Sunday because you get to see your kids again with your husband at your side to immediately bounce ideas and thoughts. Today, I noticed and Kai agreed that even though Spencer has made a lot of gains, he is quite hyper. He pretty much stayed in a consistent bounce mode the whole weekend. It was nice to observe something together. I didn't question myself at all nor did I feel alone like I usually do.

(Pictures: Top: In-home activities: Kai helps Spencer as big brother teaches little brother how to stack cups into a mountain. I think the Logan-teaching-Spencer-moments are my parental catnip. I am wild about them. Logan shows great insight and better patience as a teacher. I purposely photograph these moments to show Logan how much I value this behavior. It really works better than "Good job" anyday! Lower: Logan tries on Kai's old jacket I dug up in my cleaning frenzy. Kai never wears it but he just won't let it go. I didn't protest because I think the boys will likely wear it when they're older.)

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