For example, I cried on three strangers this week alone- some were total strangers like the customer service person I called at the US Postal Service, saying "Ma'am you don't have to cry, all you have to do is......" They happened to be there just as I had made some sort of mistake or was dealing with a mistake someone else had made. The crying spells were really just a reaction to solvable issues but I have had so much anxiety these days that I would probably start crying just because of something as small as a stomachache.
I know I have a lot of stressors in my life but I can't believe how much I let it get to me. I want this to stop. I want to respond valiantly to my challenges. That is how you can measure the greatness of a person, isn't it? By how she deals with fear or any other problems? I have to stop being so afraid; it is the root cause of my anxiety.
The way I try to go back to this way of thinking is to start being grateful again. I believe that listing them will bring me great things. The last time I posted this was on Valentine's Day and here I am doing it again on Mother's Day eve. Anyway, here is my list, I'd love to hear what is on yours:
- I am grateful that my husband has really made some serious changes in how he deals with me and the kids. He has so much more patience and consideration now. He is a full (and helpful) participant in our morning routine and is totally responsible for getting both kids to bed and that is just part of the improvement.
- I am grateful for my soon-to-be-sister-in-law. I am so grateful that she is marrying my brother and going to be part of my family. The kids love her and she loves them. I am grateful to my brother for managing to snag such an amazing person.
- I am grateful for everyone involved in helping Logan have a great first experience in "big school." He is really looking forward to it. It's so cute. He has no idea how hard everyone is working to get the right place for him but he is surrounded by angels. They both are. Thank God for people who help children with special needs. I never had a choice in this matter but they did. Some of them are truly amazing.
- This is going to sound weird but I am grateful to be living in this country. I know that there are countries with much better educational and health systems but there are other places where it is much worse. My parents made the right decision moving to New York from Korea. I forget to thank them for that. They went through hell for us those first years.
- I am grateful for the progress my children have made. Almost a year ago, Spencer ate nothing but pediasure and baby cheese doodles and barely babbled. He was losing weight and scaring the hell out of me. Now, he eats food and can even feed himself (if he likes it) and today he said "cha mul" (chocolate milk! It's not really chocolate, it's carob but whatever). He can pretty much count from 1 to 10 in English, Cantonese, and Korean too! Wow! We still have things to work on but it's so much better than eating baby cheese doodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
- Logan has made progress too. I forget to be but I am so grateful for that. I remember the days he went to nursery school and I was home with newborn Spencer. I would get calls almost everyday telling me to come get him because he was out-of-control. It took a long time but now he is in a great school that knows how to identify and meet his needs. They have helped him and my entire family so much. BTW, see that picture above? Four years ago, he was crying everytime we put him on the grass. We had no idea why but now we do. In the picture above, he is collecting dandelions for me while walking barefoot in the grass. Now it's time for Spencer to get used to the grass, check out his curled toe here. He was so mad at me for taking his shoes off.
- I am grateful to my parents for finally understanding my children's special needs. I am grateful for them both being alive and in my children's lives.
- I am grateful to Logan for teaching me to be a better mother. Spencer benefits tremendously from all the trial-and-errors that we go through. I am grateful to Spencer too. Discovering his multiple allergies really made me question the connection between allergies and behavior and developmental delays. I am still figuring it out but I have come to certain conclusions. The Spring allergens make Logan nuts. There is no question in my mind now.
- I am grateful for my problems breathing. I know that sounds really crazy but they are the loud and clear messages that I need to make me change the way I am living my life.
- I am grateful to all the readers of this blog. You inspire me to keep on trying and your continued reading, commenting, and emails give life to this one thing that is mine.