Sunday, July 26, 2009
Don't Worry - Be Happy? I Wish
These days, I have felt extremely burdened. I feel like things are just holding me down including my health, my actual body weight, things I need to do for my children.... There are so many things to do and yet the summer makes me so lazy and so tired. I wonder if I'm no different from an animal in the park who is only really appreciating his life when he's busily preparing for the cold season.
I actually shouldn't be complaining. I just came back from a beautifully-spent five days in Mexico. My brother had his wedding in a newly built luxury resort an hour away from Cancun. I didn't have to cook or clean. I sat in a poolside bar drinking pina coladas for four days while my children played to their hearts content. I watched my brother get married to a woman to whom I would comfortably give my children if something were to happen to me and Kai. I also watched my son Logan be the best ringbearer in the world! Thank you YouTube!!!! I have nothing to complain about and yet I feel like nothing is going right.
Before I left, I was even more convinced that I needed medication to work on my anxiety. Two days before my flight, I finally took the EEG that my new neurologist told me to take and I was blown away by my own reaction. I don't know the EEG results yet but lying on a table for twenty minutes with my eyes closed and having to lay perfectly still was just too much to bear. I was so uncomfortable that I needed to squeeze my hands so tight so that I could focus on staying still. Why can't I relax? Am I really that anxious? It felt so bad to the point that I have convinced myself that I really am "clinically" anxious.
I walked away from that EEG with a resounding "yes" to medicine. "I need medicine so that I can relax and achieve calm," I told myself. I have no idea how much and for how long but I can not relax so I need it NOW. The last medication I was on was an ADHD medication and I didn't like it even though it curbed my failure-to-take-a-deep-breath problem and so finally I started taking an anti-anxiety medication this week. It was a different medication than the benzodiapenes like Klonopin that I had taken and I was hoping that this one could be "the one."
The doctor said that I might have to wait 7-10 days for this new medication to take effect but for me, it only took about 30 minutes for this tiny little pill to send me to a different spatial plane. This was three days ago that I took this one pill and I'm still feeling the side effects of migraine, indigestion, bloating, drowsiness..... If I could have, I think I would have just stayed in bed this whole weekend.
Needless to say, that was the first and final pill I took from that bottle. I don't have the strength to try it for a few days to see if the side effects will discontinue. That said, I don't know if I have the energy or will to continue with drug therapy even after my Oh-Yeah-Need-Meds- Resolution. I am thinking of starting talk therapy again and focusing more on diet and exercise. I may change my tune if my breathing problem comes back but I'll just have to wait and see.
I haven't completely decided on this yet but I am headed in that direction because I am just not getting the results I want even though some of these pills have gotten rid of my breathing problems and eye twitch and helped me deal with Logan's button-pushing better. At the same time, they have caused problems of their own and I wonder if I'm just trading problems for problems and not solving anything.
At least I can look back on my vacation with some happiness. Summer is not yet over but I can think of very few things that could top those few days in Mexico. I'm going to try to be grateful for that and hope that it will give me some energy to handle the rest of my battles. Sometimes, I know that I'm being ridiculously pitiful and yet I can't get myself out of my funk. I think I am going to hurry up and print out the vacation photos to remind myself that for five days of my life when I forgot about my problems and was effortlessly happy for most of each day. Maybe for some people, vacations can be rejuvenating. For me, it was rejuvenating but perhaps too effective in distracting me from my everyday battles that I have forgotten how to deal with them altogether. Gosh, I think I need routine more than my kids do. Whose the one with special needs again? Hmmmmm
Picture: The view of our resort, Riviera Maya Grand Velas from our hotel room.
Video: Kai and the kids at the poolside bar where I sat for most of the day in the shade, sipping cocktails and watching the kids play in the water. And yes, I know that my voice commentary is extremely annoying.