Sunday, July 26, 2009

Don't Worry - Be Happy? I Wish

These days, I have felt extremely burdened. I feel like things are just holding me down including my health, my actual body weight, things I need to do for my children.... There are so many things to do and yet the summer makes me so lazy and so tired. I wonder if I'm no different from an animal in the park who is only really appreciating his life when he's busily preparing for the cold season.

I actually shouldn't be complaining. I just came back from a beautifully-spent five days in Mexico. My brother had his wedding in a newly built luxury resort an hour away from Cancun. I didn't have to cook or clean. I sat in a poolside bar drinking pina coladas for four days while my children played to their hearts content. I watched my brother get married to a woman to whom I would comfortably give my children if something were to happen to me and Kai. I also watched my son Logan be the best ringbearer in the world! Thank you YouTube!!!! I have nothing to complain about and yet I feel like nothing is going right.

Before I left, I was even more convinced that I needed medication to work on my anxiety. Two days before my flight, I finally took the EEG that my new neurologist told me to take and I was blown away by my own reaction. I don't know the EEG results yet but lying on a table for twenty minutes with my eyes closed and having to lay perfectly still was just too much to bear. I was so uncomfortable that I needed to squeeze my hands so tight so that I could focus on staying still. Why can't I relax? Am I really that anxious? It felt so bad to the point that I have convinced myself that I really am "clinically" anxious.

I walked away from that EEG with a resounding "yes" to medicine. "I need medicine so that I can relax and achieve calm," I told myself. I have no idea how much and for how long but I can not relax so I need it NOW. The last medication I was on was an ADHD medication and I didn't like it even though it curbed my failure-to-take-a-deep-breath problem and so finally I started taking an anti-anxiety medication this week. It was a different medication than the benzodiapenes like Klonopin that I had taken and I was hoping that this one could be "the one."

The doctor said that I might have to wait 7-10 days for this new medication to take effect but for me, it only took about 30 minutes for this tiny little pill to send me to a different spatial plane. This was three days ago that I took this one pill and I'm still feeling the side effects of migraine, indigestion, bloating, drowsiness..... If I could have, I think I would have just stayed in bed this whole weekend.

Needless to say, that was the first and final pill I took from that bottle. I don't have the strength to try it for a few days to see if the side effects will discontinue. That said, I don't know if I have the energy or will to continue with drug therapy even after my Oh-Yeah-Need-Meds- Resolution. I am thinking of starting talk therapy again and focusing more on diet and exercise. I may change my tune if my breathing problem comes back but I'll just have to wait and see.

I haven't completely decided on this yet but I am headed in that direction because I am just not getting the results I want even though some of these pills have gotten rid of my breathing problems and eye twitch and helped me deal with Logan's button-pushing better. At the same time, they have caused problems of their own and I wonder if I'm just trading problems for problems and not solving anything.

At least I can look back on my vacation with some happiness. Summer is not yet over but I can think of very few things that could top those few days in Mexico. I'm going to try to be grateful for that and hope that it will give me some energy to handle the rest of my battles. Sometimes, I know that I'm being ridiculously pitiful and yet I can't get myself out of my funk. I think I am going to hurry up and print out the vacation photos to remind myself that for five days of my life when I forgot about my problems and was effortlessly happy for most of each day. Maybe for some people, vacations can be rejuvenating. For me, it was rejuvenating but perhaps too effective in distracting me from my everyday battles that I have forgotten how to deal with them altogether. Gosh, I think I need routine more than my kids do. Whose the one with special needs again? Hmmmmm

Picture: The view of our resort, Riviera Maya Grand Velas from our hotel room.

Video: Kai and the kids at the poolside bar where I sat for most of the day in the shade, sipping cocktails and watching the kids play in the water. And yes, I know that my voice commentary is extremely annoying.


Anonymous said...

Yes, I understand your pain so well! I am an anxious mom of a special needs boy just like you. I too have been searching for a miracle pill and have been woefully disapointed (side effects -- ouch!)

But recently I've been trying a melange of calming supplements that I must say have worked wonders with ZERO side effects. I've been taking: CLO, Gabba, Vit D and 5-HTP. I take the CLO and Gabba in the day and the others at night. Inositol is also supposed to be great and I may add that in. Calm EZ is really great if you have sleep issues (I do not thank god).

Just thought I'd share this with you. It seems harmless and so far is helping me deal with things so much better. It's hard, I know! Hang in there...


Karen Griffith Gryga said...


Keep trying to help yourself. Its like they say on the airplane, put on your oxygen mask first before helping others...

I don't know much about anxiety and depression but I wonder if the medications are like those for ADHD in that you have to have patience and keep trying different medications in order to find the right one(s) for your body chemistry. Having said this, sleep, diet and exercise can work miracles.

Hang in there -- your vacation sounds wonderful!!

When I return from wonderful trips like yours -- I create a Shutterfly album with the photos .. they are not that expensive but are really great for remembering a wonderful time. I use it to remind my son about a previous trip when he starts to get anxious about leaving on vacation (which usually involves crocodile tears, and hysteria late at night before we are to leave). This year, I gave him the book to hold and he slept with it. It is an easy way to nicely capture and remember special events like your trip!

Hang in there.


Penny Williams said...

Chin up! You are a great mom and you have to remind yourself in times like these. I know all too well it is hard to feel like an adequate mom with a special needs child. It seems like there's a thousand things we should be doing for them. But you love and respect your children and that really is the majority of what they need.

I too am finding myself in a funk right now. I feel like I am failing at so many things because I have taken on too many. And our finances are really beating me down. I am giving myself a day or two to feel awful and then I am going to demand myself to gain perspective and stand strong and move forward.

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with your readers. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one feeling so bad.

Anonymous said...


I must admit that I don't know much about anxiety, depression nor about ADHD but, I do understand what you're going through everyday. You have tried everything in your power by means to find a cure for your lovely boys but, it does not exist at this time. May I suggest a alternative route? Have you asked help from a higher power? I'm not a religious person nor am I affialiated to any religious groups but, I find that once you empty your mind and sincerely ask for help, miracle does occur. Keep doing what you're doing but, give yourself few moments each day to ask for help to higher power. I firmly believe that people like yourself will not be ignored by higher power because you're good person in general. Just ask for help with sincerity.

Stay strong,