Saturday, February 6, 2010
Forget Him and Do My Own Thing?
I don't know remember where I read this but I once read that before I got married, I should have talked to my fiance about how I wanted to raise children.
I never really did that. The most I ever did was ask him what he would do if I was working too hard and ended up ignoring the children's needs. Would he confront me? I was really disappointed when he answered me. He said he wouldn't say anything and that he would just try to manage without me. How passive and counterproductive is that? Still, I married him anyway.
It's funny to think about that now because I consult him before making most of my decisions regarding the kids. And even though he is passive to an extent, we've definitely had our share of disagreements especially about the kids and how much money we should spend on their therapy and education. When it comes to money, he's not the silent type. Thus, I do seek his approval and/or support a lot. I don't like to get him mad and I don't like it when he disapproves of something I do. You can call me a chicken or you can say that my marriage is just as important to me as my children are. I really couldn't answer that but it is what it is. I don't act unilaterally.
I even think about what he would say before spending $25 dollars on Amazon.com. I'm that ridiculous. I won't spend it if I think he won't like what I did unless I really needed it and then I know he would support my purchase decision (and if he doesn't, I won't care). However, when it comes to the kids, if he disagrees with me and says "no" to something new (and expensive) I want to try on them, then I don't do it or buy it.
Luckily for the most part, he has always come around to the things that I really felt were important and necessary like the GFCF diet, DAN! protocol, the choice of school for Logan..etc. But recently we disagreed again and for the first time, I was really tempted to go out on my own and do it anyway.
Stimulant treatment for Logan's ADHD symptoms seems to be going well but his appetite has really decreased so I have to work extra hard to get him to eat in the morning and after his meds wear off in the evening. It is really stressful however, I feel that we are stable with Logan now. He still has his bad days or moments but overall, the medication has helped him at school and at home.
Call it ambition or greed but since things were somewhat stable, I wondered if it might be time to try something new. We had largely abandoned the DAN! protocol and discontinued the osteo-manipulative medicine therapy (for different reasons). But after a recent visit to my acupuncturist, I wondered if I could take Logan to see her.
I got the idea as she told me that my adrenal glands are exhausted. I guess that makes sense for an anxious and tense person like me. According to her, my adrenal glands are in constant fight-or-flight mode and so my taxed adrenals cause problems with my other organs. For me, I get sick with indigestion and get migraines.
I kept thinking...... well.... Logan is always in a constant fight-or-flight mode... his anxiety and sensory issues make him like that so......... maybe he should try acupuncture like me?!?!?!?!? My acupuncturist already told me that she would use moxibustion and not needles on someone as young as Logan. If Logan could stand it, then maybe we could try it? It was definitely more affordable than my DAN! doctor and his vitamins and she was very closeby so I asked Kai. He has been to her as well and she helped him a lot so I thought there was a good chance he would agree.
He must have said NO about 30 times to me because I had to keep asking him. I couldn't believe he wouldn't go along with it. He said he didn't want to try anything else anymore on Logan and he said that even if it was affordable, it is still money and it adds up so he refused to go along with it. I was so disappointed. I really wanted to do it.
Coincidentally, Logan is getting another break from school soon and I thought that maybe I should take him during that time and not tell my husband about it unless it went well. It is possible that Logan would tell him but it is completely plausible that he may not.
I really wondered if I should take a chance. I must confess that I'm equally as curious how a unilateral action would affect my marriage as much as acupuncture could possibly help Logan. I still have some time to decide but right now I am abstaining from acting on my own. I know it's kind of disappointing but I guess it is because going for acupuncture right now is not that urgent and it is more about money than concern for Logan's safety with acupuncture or efficacy of treatment. I hate fighting about money. I think it is so awful when that happens within a family. I've seen it break families apart including people in my own family. It totally sucks.
So instead of embarking on a new leap of faith now, I have decided to just add yoga to my homemade enrichment program for Logan. Lately, as I wake up at 3 am, I have been doing some yoga. It helps me work out the kinks in my back after a night's sleep. I only do about thirty minutes of it but I actually really feel good after I'm done. I think it really does calm me and I don't know why it has taken me this long to give it a serious try when I have been suffering from anxiety for over a year. I did try once last year but that was a wasted effort. I think my mind wasn't into it and that particular yoga teacher's t.v. show was too hard.
Either way, I have noticed that I become so relaxed that I even get sleepy. I'm also stronger as I grunt less when I reach down in the fridge to go get milk. Once I did yoga around noon and then did some reading with Logan afterwards and I fell asleep on him as he read a book out loud.
So instead of paying for acupuncture treatment, I am going to "splurge" and buy a $15 dollar Family Yoga DVD. I had purchased yoga cards ($25) but it didn't work out so I felt guilty about spending even more money on a DVD. What if that didn't work out either, I wondered. However, I just love yoga now and must use this DVD to attempt to fill this void left by the rejection of my acupuncture idea.
I haven't given up yet. I really believe that there are merits to acupuncture that I don't fully understand but have faith that it can help. At this point, when I look for alternative treatments, I am not looking for recovery or even healing. I am looking to reduce the amount of medicine he has to take, increase his appetite, and most importantly, I just want him to be more comfortable and in control of his own body.
Furthermore, since it is largely a money issue, I am even more inspired to find a paying job which has been a big point of depression for me! There can be no better motivation than to work to pay for your child's therapy a.k.a My Next Big Idea, right? I wonder how fast I can make this happen.
Picture: Sometimes, things just don't work without Kai. Because I pumped milk for Logan for two months before he finally latched on to my breasts, I felt I needed to be fair to Spencer and do the same. Spencer took 2 1/2 months to latch on. Thus, for over 2 months, I pumped by breasts 6 times a day, every day. While it was hard on me, you can't do this on your own. The dad has to help and Kai must have thought I was crazy trying so hard to give breastmilk but he did support me on that one. If he hadn't, I would have felt awful and probably would have given up.