Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I Have No Right to Be Bored

Being a mother of a special needs child usually means that you are beyond busy. It means that everything takes twice as long (dressing, homework, eating, conversations like "what did you do today?"). It means you spend a lot of time dealing with your child's special needs because you have to talk to teachers, therapists, government workers, doctors, etc... The work never stops until it does for some odd reason and when it happened to me, I kind of realized that I don't have much of a life.

Don't get me wrong, raising my children is very fulfilling and it was my choice to stay home but still, this month I experienced real actual boredom and it left me feeling depressed and embarrassed.

I asked myself how did I become this way? I guess the first reason would be my broken finger. I can do a lot with this injury but still, I do a lot less dishes, cooking, and cleaning. (Tragic, I know) This frees up my time somewhat and you would think that I would have no problem filling it up with something else to do but then two other things happened.

Logan came down with strep throat. Ever have a sick ADHD child? Before I started medicating Logan, sick or not, he was hyper as ever but this time, I decided to give him his ADHD medications because I thought it might actually help him listen to his own body signals telling him to rest.

I was right. He lay on the couch like a potato for days. I thought I had a different child living in my house. It was unnerving.

So rest he did but he didn't eat much and I didn't want to get sick so we didn't cuddle up so much together. So in short, he was a maintenance-free sick child.

Then in the same week, my computer crashed. It just died one day but luckily I was able to find someone trustworthy to fix it. But it took a while to get it back so with all the things that were going on (or not going on) I found myself very lost.

I thought that I would read more books but I did nothing of the sort. Reading books during the day seems too luxurious to me. Thus, instead, I ate.

I ate a lot. My friend said that I was acting as if I had quit smoking. That made a lot of sense to me. Without knowing it, I guess I go to my computer to fill the void.

I also found myself shopping more often as well. I got the overstock catalog from Lands' End and practically studied it wasting tons of time. For days, I wrestled with myself with what I "needed" vs. "wanted." I also recently found out that my Lands' End jacket would be fully refunded because the zipper broke even though I purchased it two years ago. That sent me on another tear to buy a coat but since it's hard to leave the house, I sat in front of my husband's computer for even more hours trying to find the right coat for me.

At the end of the day, I bought three coats online, only to have to return them which is a hassle too. These past two weeks, it seemed that all I did was shop and eat. I felt really ashamed and directionless because I had to think about what to do- I usually never have to think about it. There is always a billion things on my list.

Even though I don't like having a broken finger or a wiped out computer or having my child sick, this was a good experience for me. I have never been so bored in my life. It's not like I had nothing to do but there was nothing interesting to do. It made me realize that I have to have some things of my own that are productive.

While I love this blog and do find writing in it productive, the bottom line is that I do need to earn some money. This is what I really mean about productive. Spencer will go to preschool soon and that will mean I will have about 6-7 hours by myself at home. I want to be off and running with some sort of career move by the time he starts school. I just borrowed a book from the library to help me. I have to decide what I want to do and then just go for it. I don't know why it is so scary to me but the alternative of being bored and being continuously short-on-cash is not fun either.

One good thing did come from my vacation from my busy life. I started doing some yoga stretching exercises in the morning while everyone is still sleeping in the house. (yes, I still wake up at 3 am) Another library find, this DVD focused more on stretching than cardio and for me, I prefer that because I really want to be flexible. For some reason, when I can't touch my toes, I feel unbelievably pathetic like I failed gym class in high school.

Someday I am just going to have to get off my duff and start this new chapter of my life. I only wish I wasn't so afraid of failure.

picture: This battle with strep throat for Logan was no joke. I can't believe he had to use a nebulizer (pictured). Originally we used some ridiculous tube thing but nothing works better than a nebulizer. My friend lent it to me. She's an angel. Thanks to her, Logan stopped coughing within two days. He finally went back to school today and I actually feel more normal today than ever.

1 comment:

BEE said...

glad he is feeling better
i understand that saying
i have no right to be bored
i think we all feel that way
we are so busy and when it slows down we realize we have no lives of our own its all abotu our kids
so there has to be a happy medium
i decided working out everyday and finding an hour to myself everyday no matter what has helped me feel back in control
i thin kyou need to also find that one hour for something you like to help you feel back in control of your own life
its not a sin to take 1 hour really its not much for yourself
its ok to ask for help
trust me its ok!!!! :)